The Ladies Try Optimism On For Size

Maybe it's our recent weekend spent in Florida, perhaps it's the news that David Wright is headed to Florida himself this very week to begin his own early spring training, but the Ladies thought we'd go shopping for a new state of mind. Spring is right around the corner, and this has the Ladies feeling, well, almost giddy. Almost. Anyway, we've been wearing blue and orange pessimism for so long, perhaps it's time we gave something new a try. So bear with us while we pull it over our heads, look at it in the mirror, walk around in it for a while. It comes with a money-back guarantee, so we can return it at any time.

Some optimistic thoughts about the upcoming season:

The bullpen has been fixed. FIXED. The cause of last year's struggles (note I said THE cause, not ONE of the causes) is repaired. Had last year's pen not blown 29 saves (second worst in NL), the Mets, who scored the second most runs in the NL last year would have easily won the division. The Ladies predict K-Putz will ride in on their white horses and only let 15 saves go. (You've gotta give them some off-nights).

Johan Santana will repeat his stellar, Cy-Young worthy performance from last season. He's in his prime as a pitcher, and being the competitor that he is, he will be even more motivated this year.

David Wright will put up his usual spectacular numbers, and will have, thanks to his new fish-tank relaxation therapy, solved his clutch-situation problem. We predict a RISP of .310, a huge improvement over last years' .240.
Remember, David, the Ladies are here for you whenever you need a little extra soothing. Breathe in, breathe out. This will lead him to finally win the MVP he was cheated out of in '07.

Jose Reyes will finally come into his own, and live up to Jerry's gangsta ideals. His enthusiasim and talent will collide like two stars, and combine to become the unstoppable supernova we all know he can be. It would help if his stalker road beef would finally give up her desperate cries for his attention (boob surgery? really?) and move on to some other player. And no, we are not going to link to her site, it would only bring her more attention. Like giving crack to a cocaine addict.
We hear Derek Lowe is in the market for a new back row hoe, now that he's on the East Coast.

Ryan Church will not suffer any more concussions. Ever. We'll give him a line of .290/21/94. As well as defensive play so good Carlos Beltran will not have to play both positions anymore.

Daniel Murphy and Fernando Tatis will combine to become a formidible left field, with Fernando still giving thanks to the sky after every hit and Daniel finally allowing people to call him Dan. They will surpass Ryan's stats at the plate, and will continue to be the spark plugs they were last year.

John Maine will have an injury-free year, and be the #3 righty we all know he can be. He will win 16 games, with an ERA under 3. He will get another tattoo, and will become comfortable with his new hottie status.

The Ladies have other positive thoughts floating around which are colliding with the usual negative ones, and we are becoming dizzy. We are wondering if this new optimism thing comes with medication? If so, can we have some?

Love to all! (see? there it goes again...)

Shut The F$*%K Up, Revisited.

Last time, we ranted at the Mets fans out there who want the world and want it yesterday, or they're taking their money elsewhere. This time, we rant at baseball ownership/management/agents.

We. the Ladies, can't stand the male pissing contests anymore. Will someone please blink and sign Derek Lowe???? We don't even care who, let the Braves have him. You all do realize that if baseball were run by women, all the rosters would be set by now? Not only that, all the players would've had their shots (penicillin, of course, to guard against those nasty STDs), been fed and bathed (some really need the help), and put to bed with visions of baseballs in their heads. The stadiums would have all been built, painted and cleaned; uniforms washed and pressed and packed; and notes to the media lovingly tucked away in equipment bags.

C'mon, guys, it's called efficiency. Just do it, and put us all out of our misery. And no, signing Tim Redding while pursuing Lowe/Perez doesn't count as multitasking.

Merry Christmas!

For those astute readers, you may have noticed an addition to our contributors - the one and only Stars, from our fav Ladies Locker Room, will be adding her wit and wisdom to these hallowed pages. Welcome, Stars! The gangstas are pleased, they are tired of LadyMet's ramblings. Sean Avery tried out for the gig, seeing as he's unemployed, but his misogyny was just so 90's.
Just a quick note for this Christmas Eve. The Ladies have a wish list, and they would appreciate finding these items under the tree tomorrow morning. Gangstas, please take notes.

1. A picture of David Wright, shirtless. Nude would also be acceptable.

2. Ditto, John Maine.

3. Derek Lowe. (fully clothed, please)

4. A target for Jimmy Rollins' head.

5. Some new movies for the bus (see, gangstas, we're thinking of you! We know it gets boring)

6. Blue glitter pasties (if you don't know what we're talking about, you haven't been keeping up! It will all be explained in due time)

7. A clear head for Ryan Church

8. Second-half Carlos Delgado

9. A four hundred million-dollar implosion across town (that would be da bronx, natch)

10. A stellar year for rookie phenom Daniel Murphy

We don't ask for much. Off now to the sugar plums...

Happy Holidays!

Behind the Scenes at the Mets Holiday Party

Big Pelf is Santa, with Jerry Manuel and John Maine as his elves. Picture this:

Big Pelf sitting in his Santa chair, awaiting the next child. Johan Santana hops into his lap.

Big Pelf: Ouch! Johan, what are you doing here?
Johan: I've come to ask Santa for a gift!
Big Pelf: Johan, you know it's me, right?
Johan: Yes, Santa, I know it's you. I want a starting pitcher for Christmas!
Big Pelf: Johan, you are a starting pitcher, one of the best in the game!
Johan: I know, but I'm tired of carrying this rotation. I want Derek Lowe!
John Maine: Hey, what about me and Big Pelf? What are we, fried okra?
Johan: No, you guys are great, but we need help! (begins to throw tantrum)
Big Pelf: Jerry, can you help me out here?
Jerry adjusts his glasses Johan, get off Big Pelf before I cut you.
Johan: (Whines) C'mon, Santa, I got K-Rod to come to the team, do I have to do everything myself? I'm tired of being the stopper, I want to relax occasionally. Hell, I had to pitch on three day's rest at the end of last year! I won my games, but we still lost the division! I'm tired! (starts to cry)

The window behind the group suddenly shatters, and David Wright flies in, carrying Ollie Perez under his arm

John Maine: Holy Batman!
David Wright: No, John, I'm SuperDave.
Jerry: David, I told you to stop flying or I'd cut you!
David: Sorry Jerry, but one of my teammates needs help. That's what SuperDave does, he helps everybody!
John: Hey, nice tights. Can you get me some fried okra? I'm getting hungry.
David: I heard Johan ask for a starting pitcher, so I flew down to Mexico and grabbed Ollie.
Ollie is wearing a tuxedo and looks confused
He was in the middle of getting married, but Johan needs him. Plus, pro ballplayers shouldn't get married. You need to focus on the game, not be distracted by women (he shutters)
Johan: OK, this is good...I can deal with Ollie again in the rotation...hey Ollie, this means you gonna come back?
Ollie: $$!* t$^ &$$& f$$$$ u$n$$????
Johan: What??!!
Jerry: He doesn't understand English anymore, Johan, he only speaks Boras now.
Johan: Damn! Do any of you guys speak Boras?
David, Pelf and John all look at each other and shrug: No.
Johan: Damn! What are we gonna do now??

The guys all look at each other and start yelling. OMAR!!!!