Back On The Bus, Gangstas!

It's time! Last boarding call for New York, all gangstas please form an orderly line while we take attendance:


Santana! Hello there, sir. Please board first, and sit wherever you like. Is that Ollie in your back pocket? Great, and thank you for supervising him.


Wright? There you are. Do you have your stache? Not yet? If you need help getting it started, please see here. And please leave behind Jimmy Rollins' phone number, you are back to being bitter enemies. No singing on the bus this time, David. It annoys the pitchers.


J.J.? OK, I see you. Pack your baby powder? Check. Shaving cream? Check. Who's that behind you? Jeremy Reed and Sean Green? Oh, sorry, forgot about them. You do cast a pretty big shadow, J.J. OK, on the bus.


Reyes? OK. Do you have your enthusiasm? Good. Celebration handshakes? Great. Leave behind the "special" cell phones, Jose, we're determined to keep you out of trouble this year.


Delgado? Yes. Did you bring your post-July 08 bat? No, not the pre-July 08 one. Burn that one.



Beltran? Hi. Do you have your key to the season? The one from Coop? Don't forget to carry it with you everywhere you go, just as a reminder.


Church? Got your smelling salts? Good. Remember to avoid knees. All knees. Knees to head = bad news, got it?

Castillo? I see you hiding in the back! Did you remember to pack your on base-percentage? No? Go back and get it! We'll wait.

Schneider: Got your camera to take pictures of more birthday parties? Good. Oh, and don't forget Ramon Castro.

Murphy? OK, I see you. No need to jump up and down. Did you pack Nick Evans? Good. Don't forget, he has to go to Buffalo soon, so don't torture him too much. Oh, you also have your Lord of the Rings movies? Great, we'll watch them on the bus.

Maine? Stop poking Pelfrey, please. Did you remember your new mechanics? Good. Lady G's counting on you this year, don't let her down.

Pelfrey! Did you remember your helmet? Great. And your new sinker? Terrific. OK, be careful boarding the bus, please. Maybe you should put your helmet on now, before you attempt the steps.


Livan? Hi. Did you bring your World Series ring? Good. Show it off, display it prominently, make the team want one of their own. Oh, is that the new SI issue? No, we don't want that bad mojo on the bus. Throw it out.


And closing out the line...K-Rod? Hi. You might want to lose that chip on your shoulder, dude. It will be nothing but trouble for you in NY. Just ask A-Rod next time you see him, he'll tell you.

OK, Jerry, gang's all here...do your thing!

Where, Oh Where Have Our Metsies Gone?

And it was all going so well...Spring Training was in full swing, our boys were slowly getting in their cuts, pitches and hunting practice, and then - they're gone. Just like that. Port St Lucie is left with a motley assortment of prospects, career minor leaguers and Bob, the groundskeeper. Not to mention those on the big league roster too injured or small-time for the WBC, such as Johan (much to the chagrin of Hugo Chavez), Ryan Church, Brian Schneider and our resident expert in self-flagellation, Metallica John Maine.


This means the Ladies' attention is split. Do we focus our attention on the gangstas left in Jerry's camp? Or do we hunt down our boys on their various teams, to make sure they are not being unduly influenced by consorting with the enemy (Jose, stay FAR away from Tejada and Ramirez, OK?) Let's check in quickly with our travelers, then pop back in to PSL.


Team USA is having a love-fest. David Wright loves Derek Jeter, Chipper Jones loves David Wright. Even Jimmy Rollins and David Wright have buried the hatchet, at least for now, although Jeter better stay alert in the locker room. We wouldn't put it past Rollins to plant a smoke bomb in Wright's locker. Even David Letterman gets in on the romance, having the team read Thursday's Top Ten List. The Ladies are only mildly interested in the WBC; it is competitive baseball to watch but ehh...all we can say is if USA cannot beat Canada, don't come home (well, send DWright and J.J. home, the rest of you stay up there with the grizzlys)

Team DR with Jose and a couple of ex-Mets - Pedro (remember him?) and Moises Alou. The kissy-face with A-Rod and Jose is over, as A-Rod is out with an injury, and manager Felipe Alou has already screwed up, using Hanley Ramirez at SS instead of Jose in today's game against the Netherlands. The Marlin (a team known for their defense - not!) made an error in the first inning that allowed two runs, which were the deciding runs in DR's LOSS to the Dutch today. Yes, I said LOSS. The WBC world is rocked!

Now to the PR team with our Carloses, among others. Take care, boys, don't get hurt, we need you this year. And look after Alex Cora, our newest infielder, as we will need his glove when the inevitable Slappy McSlapperton injury occurs. Don't feel bad if you don't make it to the finals vs USA as we would hate to see the Mets' core playing each other.

Team Mexico - with Ollie - please lose early and often. Johan has more mentoring work to do with Ollie, and we need them back together in PSL.

Speaking of PSL, Johan's throwing schedule is back on track, and he is determined to open the season in Cinncinati, as befits an ace. Let him, Jerry. Please.
A word to Johnny Maine. Relax, dude. You'll be fine.
Injuries recently reported can be found here. Add Mike Pelfrey to the list, with a muscle strain. Wrap yourselves in bubble wrap, guys. As a matter of fact, the Ladies volunteer to fly down there and help with that process. A sacrifice, sure, but we're willing.


There is probably much more to report on, but LadyMet is exhausted by all the baseball after so many long, barren months. And since our spring training regimen consists of sitting in front of the computer reading Metsblog and eating peanuts, we're still a little out of shape.

Road Trip!

David Wright: 100 bottles of beer on the wall, 100 bottles of beer...

J.J. Putz: Oh God! How long is the ride to Clearwater?

DW: Three hours. C'mon, sing along! 99 bottles of beer on the wall...

J.J.: Where's my rifle?

Seriously, this is the ride that carried J.J. Putz and David Wright to Clearwater for Team USA, to start the WBC. I hope they remembered the corsages for their dates.

Fifteen of our gangstas are now scattered throughout Florida and beyond, preparing for WBC action. The Ladies would like to remind you guys of one thing: The METS pay your salaries! So don't do anything stupid that will get you hurt, like, you know, sliding. Or throwing hard. Or running, for that matter.

Recent spring training action has been a stew of good news, bad news. Which goes without saying, as that is the motto for Mets fans. Some highlights and lowlights:

Johan is hurt! No, he's not! Yes he is! No, he's not!

Metsblog's Matt Cerrone makes like Katie Couric and interviews everyone in sight.

Brian Schneider hits a grand slam. Yes, you read that right. Mets beat Houston, 13-1. Nice.

The Mets signed their 1,056th pitcher this year: Former Yankee Ron Villone.

Speaking of interviews, the lovely Zoe over at Pick Me Up Some Mets has some great TV moments from this week, as John Maine interviews Kevin Burkhart and Keith's moustache legend grows.

The Ladies must go now and dig out from under the 12 feet of snow that has fallen lately. Enjoy the sunshine, gangstas!

Kisses for now!

Spring Training - Week One

All Hail, the Big Donkey

The gangstas have only been at camp for a week and they have already picked their torture target for the spring. Pity poor Mike Pelfrey, the 6'7" newlywed and one-fifth of the starting rotation. He flipped a golf cart while playing with John Maine, Ryan Church and Brian Schneider and showed up for workouts the next day wearing this. Feel free to add your own punchline to this picture, it's too easy.

In David Wright news, he was cornered this week and asked for his reaction to the A-Rod fiasco. Oh, David, we feel your pain. Always trying so hard to do the right thing. Mr. Clean. Imagine his discomfort when asked to comment on the fall of one of the game's greatest players. Just listen here, and you can almost feel the sweat forming as our beloved tries to walk the fine line between defense of one of his heros, and condemnation.

On to the newbies. J.J. Putz has a nasty splitter, which even impresses the oh-so-cool, David Wright BFF bullpen catcher Dave Racaniello. J.J. Putz also has a sense of humor, as evidenced by his pie-in-the-face-on-live-TV of the lovely Kevin Burkhardt. The Ladies look forward to big things from Mr. Putz. (again, insert your own joke here)

Ryan Church. Mike Francessa. Mike, you're an idiot. And the Ladies don't listen to your show. So there.

Kisses till next time!

Off-Season Action We'd Love To See

As the Hot-Stove continues and Sweet Scott Bora$ is taking his time getting his players settled, the Ladies began to imagine hot-stove action in an alternate universe. Where stats like OPS, WHIP, BA and ERA take a back seat to those of HotA (hotness average), BOS (balls of steel) and CHa (clubhouse antics), not to mention the all-important GOS (gossip factor). Following are some moves the Ladies are considering to improve our team and better our chances to win the coveted World Series of Gangstas solid gold phallic-symbol trophy:

1. Trade Brian Schneider to the Twins for Joe Mauer. This is a no-brainer. Joe's HotA is head and shoulders above Schneider's (right, stars?). We love Brian; he is a good person, friend of David Wright, devoted family man etc., but this is a business, sorry; you got to go. While Brian's participation in last year's "OMG" David and Molly show helped the team's GOS, we can't help but feel that Joe's single status will propel the team's GOS to new heights.
We don't see the Twins having a problem with this; they gave us Johan Santana last year for assorted spare parts and a boom-box for the clubhouse.

2. Purchase Bronson Arroyo's contract from the Cincinnati Reds. His GOS is so high he rates his own thread on OTDL, an honor only Jeter, DWright and a few others have warranted. He plays in a rock band, loves his cougars and tends to have foot-in-mouth disease. His influence on our young, still-getting-the-hang-of-this-gangsta-thing pitchers (Big Pelf, John Maine) will be worth paying him Bora$ money. Put this boy in New York and watch him take over.

3. Trade Jose Feliciano to the NY Rangers for goalie Henrik Lundqvist. The Ladies must give credit to Shimmy over at LLR for this find. King Henrik has a through-the-roof HotA and proven BOS (standing in front of a net while five NHL players fly at you and try to take out your teeth with a puck moving at 100+ per hour gives you a BOS of 1.000). He can back up Joe Mauer at catcher and occasionally provide some good CHa by telling Omar his fly is undone in Swedish. Plus anyone who will fuck with Sean Avery is righteous, in our book.
The Rangers win from this deal also: imagine the on-ice confusion when Jose starts screaming at their opponents in Spanish.

Untouchables:

The left side of the infield. While across town, the Yankees have the amazing duo of Derek Jeter and A-Rod, undisputed MLB leaders in GOS; contenders in HotA (although A-Rod's poor showing in BOS is an issue), our beloved Mets have the young David Wright and Jose Reyes, both of whom are coming into their own in HotA and GOS. Even the CHa numbers from last year have improved.

Other moves are being considered, and will be revealed as they occur.