Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Johan Conspiracy

It is the year 2009, in an alternate universe. Not much is different from our own world, except for the overt presence of magic. Wizards are real and practice their craft openly. Witches charge thousands of dollars for a properly-drawn spell, enabling the buyer to win the love of their life, get a better job, live longer.

In this world, baseball is also affected by magic. The big market teams bid for the services of the most skilled magic practitioners, much like they do for an effective pitcher on the free-agent market (except the pitchers are harder to find). A good wizard or witch can increase the teams' win percentage by 20%. Nothing to sneeze at when you are in a dog fight for your division.

The New York Mets, in 2008, using the considerable financial resources of the Wilpons, signed star pitcher Johan Santana. They also signed a wizard named Simon Green, whose sole job was to weave his spells around Johan, enabling him to pitch like no one had ever pitched before. Green's spell took some time to take effect, coming to full power in the latter half of the 2008 season. Green took some flack for the lag time, and the NY media spent the spring of that year calling for his head. The spell kicked in around July, and Johan went on to pitch like a superstar. Problem was, the rest of the team could not seem to score enough runs to enable Johan to get the wins he so richly deserved.

Spring, 2009. Johan continues to pitch like Tom Seaver/Doc Gooden/Sandy Kolfax in their primes. His ERA was minuscule, below 1. Same issue with the team, however. They could not score any runs, they dropped balls like they were the Marlins. Post game interviews revealed befuddled players who had no explanation for their lack of support for their most esteemed teammate.

Then, a bombshell hit. An investigation by an intrepid blogger revealed that wizard Green had been receiving bribes from Yankees' GM Brian Cashman in order to bespell the Mets when Johan pitches. Cashman was consumed with jealousy that Johan ended up with the Mets instead of the Yankees (Cashman's decision to pass on Johan drove him crazy) and paid the traitor wizard to bespell the rest of the team to play like Little Leaguers while Johan pitched.

The subterfuge exposed; the offending wizard was run out of town and stripped of his license. His parting shot at the team which paid his salary? "I never bespelled Johan! All that greatness came from him alone, he doesn't need magic!"

With the spells lifted by a new, honest wizard (Jim Butcher), the team went on to win the division behind their ace.


Seriously, think this is crazy? Got any other explanations?

No comments:

Post a Comment