Saturday, January 31, 2009
HoJo: Hey guys! How was your winter? David, I'm glad to see you kept yourself out of the papers, except to say all the politically correct things about charity work, the team and how you'll all do better next year...
DW: Yeah, yeah, whatever. God, I'm so tired of being Mr. Nice Guy all the time. Nick, get me some whiskey.
Nick: Yes sir.
Daniel: Why you calling him sir?
Nick: Cause I'm a rookie, and he told me to.
Daniel: He doesn't make me call him sir, and I'm a rookie too.
DW: That's because you're gonna be a star, like me. He's not.
HoJo: That's not right, David. As your baseball father, I am reprimanding you for your behavior.
DW: Oh please, cut the crap. Gimme some beef.
HoJo: What's gotten into you?
DW: I am sick and tired of being the responsible one! I'm the one who talks to the goddamn press after every game. I'm the one who has to live in NY and hear the goddamn fans in the streets every winter, with their taunts. I had to cut back on my endorsements after that tool Keith Hernandez criticized me for doing too much during the season - you know how much money that jackass cost me? And I'm the one that has to hide my sex life, so The Dirty doesn't get their filthy hands on a picture of me in a hot tub with a boatload of Playmates!
Nick: Hey, can I have a Playmate too?
Daniel: No talking, rook! (Nick starts to cry)
HoJo: You guys are terrible! Look, you made him cry.
DW: So what? You know how many times Cliff Floyd made me cry in my rookie year? It'll make him a man......tosses back his whiskey...Hey, anyone want to go get some road beef?
HoJo: What are you talking about? I have beef right here on the BBQ...
DW: Not that kind of beef, old man...c'mon, Daniel, let's go
Nick: Hey, what about me?
Daniel: You stay here and keep HoJo company. And if anyone named "Vito" calls about me covering the spread for the game, I was never here...
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Some optimistic thoughts about the upcoming season:
The bullpen has been fixed. FIXED. The cause of last year's struggles (note I said THE cause, not ONE of the causes) is repaired. Had last year's pen not blown 29 saves (second worst in NL), the Mets, who scored the second most runs in the NL last year would have easily won the division. The Ladies predict K-Putz will ride in on their white horses and only let 15 saves go. (You've gotta give them some off-nights).
Johan Santana will repeat his stellar, Cy-Young worthy performance from last season. He's in his prime as a pitcher, and being the competitor that he is, he will be even more motivated this year.
David Wright will put up his usual spectacular numbers, and will have, thanks to his new fish-tank relaxation therapy, solved his clutch-situation problem. We predict a RISP of .310, a huge improvement over last years' .240.
Remember, David, the Ladies are here for you whenever you need a little extra soothing. Breathe in, breathe out. This will lead him to finally win the MVP he was cheated out of in '07.
Jose Reyes will finally come into his own, and live up to Jerry's gangsta ideals. His enthusiasim and talent will collide like two stars, and combine to become the unstoppable supernova we all know he can be. It would help if his stalker road beef would finally give up her desperate cries for his attention (boob surgery? really?) and move on to some other player. And no, we are not going to link to her site, it would only bring her more attention. Like giving crack to a cocaine addict.
We hear Derek Lowe is in the market for a new back row hoe, now that he's on the East Coast.
Ryan Church will not suffer any more concussions. Ever. We'll give him a line of .290/21/94. As well as defensive play so good Carlos Beltran will not have to play both positions anymore.
Daniel Murphy and Fernando Tatis will combine to become a formidible left field, with Fernando still giving thanks to the sky after every hit and Daniel finally allowing people to call him Dan. They will surpass Ryan's stats at the plate, and will continue to be the spark plugs they were last year.
John Maine will have an injury-free year, and be the #3 righty we all know he can be. He will win 16 games, with an ERA under 3. He will get another tattoo, and will become comfortable with his new hottie status.
The Ladies have other positive thoughts floating around which are colliding with the usual negative ones, and we are becoming dizzy. We are wondering if this new optimism thing comes with medication? If so, can we have some?
Love to all! (see? there it goes again...)
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Breaking News: Carlos Beltran Has Been Love Listed!
He's hot. See above.
Four time All-Star. Three time Gold Glover. Highest stolen base percentage in MLB. Need we go on? OK, we will. Two Silver Sluggers, 1,000 runs scored, hit eight home runs in post-season play. The most underappreciated Met ever.
He patrols center field like a lion patrols the plains for food...seriously, when was the last time you watched a ball hit out to center and worried about it dropping in for a hit? Has committed 32 errors as a Met - in four years. Considering he pretty much played the entire outfield last year, we'd say he's doing a damn good job of it.
Loves his wife so much he remarried her in front of JLo and Marc Anthony
One of People Magazine's 100 most beautiful people, 2006
Loves New York and wants to stay.
Birthday party. David Wright. Carlos Delgado. Johan Santana. Jose Reyes. JLo and dancing.
Man knows how to have a good time.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The phone rings, Keith picks it up...
Gary: Hey Keith, it's me and Ronnie. Just wanted to check in with you, it's been a long off-season.
Keith: Ok, so...what? Let's make it quick, I was napping.
Ronnie: What do you think of the team for this year?
Keith: I don't know, they need another bat. Wish I were still playing.
Gary: You think they'll finally win the division this year?
Keith: No. They need someone like me in the batting order (licks his Tootsie pop)
Gary: But Keith, they scored as many runs as the Phillies last year, and the same line-up is coming back. Don't you think it was the bullpen that blew the season? That's been fixed.
Keith: Yeah, whatever. Hey, I had the greatest steak last night.
Ronnie: Keith, stay with us here. What do you think about the rotation? I have concerns.
Keith: About what? They just need someone up there to throw the ball, we all know it's offense that wins games. Like when I was playing...
Ronnie: cuts him off.. Yeah, thanks Keith, whatever. Well, Omar actually asked me if I could still pitch. Apparently they can't find a #4 starter. Not a good sign, right, Gary?
Gary: moans in despair... He asked YOU?? You retired years ago! This is not good, he must not have any confidence in what they've got. Oh man, I gotta tell Howie, we're doomed...
Keith: Don't jump off the bridge yet, Gar. Season hasn't started yet, there's still time. Hey, you think Shea's chef Theresa is coming over to Citifield? She always makes me the greatest ribs.
Gary: crying... I want to win a division! Why can't we just win? I'm tired of announcing collapses!
Ronnie: It's OK, Gary. Hey, when all else fails, we still have each other, right?
Gary: What do you mean? You worked the post-season for FOX last year!!! Traitor!!!!
Keith: You worked for FOX, Ronnie? I didn't know that...Hey, I'm only doing 80 games this year! Awesome! Lots of time off to nap...
Ronnie: sighs...Jeez...it's gonna be a long season.
Just kidding, guys, you know we love you...
26 days till pitchers and catchers...
Please note that the Ladies are concerned about the overriding pizza theme throughout the discussion, and hope our boys have not over-indulged this winter.
Monday, January 12, 2009
We. the Ladies, can't stand the male pissing contests anymore. Will someone please blink and sign Derek Lowe???? We don't even care who, let the Braves have him. You all do realize that if baseball were run by women, all the rosters would be set by now? Not only that, all the players would've had their shots (penicillin, of course, to guard against those nasty STDs), been fed and bathed (some really need the help), and put to bed with visions of baseballs in their heads. The stadiums would have all been built, painted and cleaned; uniforms washed and pressed and packed; and notes to the media lovingly tucked away in equipment bags.
C'mon, guys, it's called efficiency. Just do it, and put us all out of our misery. And no, signing Tim Redding while pursuing Lowe/Perez doesn't count as multitasking.
Pay no attention to the one on the left. He only speaks Bora$ now.
Santa, just 15 wins, I'm not asking too much...
The Ladies love me and my ball (!) and that makes me happy...
So I've got these guns, Paulie, whom do I wrap them around tonite?
No, Paulie, someone who's of legal age, please.
Sí, estoy caliente.
Damn fine. I mean, damn fine.
This is my butt. See it and weep, Ladies.
Coming up in Part Two - a John Maine or two (yes, Lady G, I got you covered) and perhaps a surprise visitor.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
We feel better now.
Friday, January 9, 2009
1. Trade Brian Schneider to the Twins for Joe Mauer. This is a no-brainer. Joe's HotA is head and shoulders above Schneider's (right, stars?). We love Brian; he is a good person, friend of David Wright, devoted family man etc., but this is a business, sorry; you got to go. While Brian's participation in last year's "OMG" David and Molly show helped the team's GOS, we can't help but feel that Joe's single status will propel the team's GOS to new heights.
We don't see the Twins having a problem with this; they gave us Johan Santana last year for assorted spare parts and a boom-box for the clubhouse.
2. Purchase Bronson Arroyo's contract from the Cincinnati Reds. His GOS is so high he rates his own thread on OTDL, an honor only Jeter, DWright and a few others have warranted. He plays in a rock band, loves his cougars and tends to have foot-in-mouth disease. His influence on our young, still-getting-the-hang-of-this-gangsta-thing pitchers (Big Pelf, John Maine) will be worth paying him Bora$ money. Put this boy in New York and watch him take over.
3. Trade Jose Feliciano to the NY Rangers for goalie Henrik Lundqvist. The Ladies must give credit to Shimmy over at LLR for this find. King Henrik has a through-the-roof HotA and proven BOS (standing in front of a net while five NHL players fly at you and try to take out your teeth with a puck moving at 100+ per hour gives you a BOS of 1.000). He can back up Joe Mauer at catcher and occasionally provide some good CHa by telling Omar his fly is undone in Swedish. Plus anyone who will fuck with Sean Avery is righteous, in our book.
The Rangers win from this deal also: imagine the on-ice confusion when Jose starts screaming at their opponents in Spanish.
The left side of the infield. While across town, the Yankees have the amazing duo of Derek Jeter and A-Rod, undisputed MLB leaders in GOS; contenders in HotA (although A-Rod's poor showing in BOS is an issue), our beloved Mets have the young David Wright and Jose Reyes, both of whom are coming into their own in HotA and GOS. Even the CHa numbers from last year have improved.
Other moves are being considered, and will be revealed as they occur.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
We ladies would like to express our undying love and gratitude to you, oh God of the Mets blogosphere. You have done your manly best to carry us through this cold and painful off-season, by keeping us updated on the whereabouts of Ken Takahashi (?) and Andruw Jones(!!!!); providing us with unending info on the Manny debate (both pro and con), and feeding into our hatred of Mike Francessa. Your endless stream of Mets news and minutiae (Citifield logo patches and Mets jersey-gate) have been a source of comfort to us post-collapse(s). We owe our (relative) sanity during this icy and wet winter to your dedication to your team and readers. Never was this more apparent than today when we woke up, logged in and found this. Our reason for getting dressed today. Do the ladies sense some sunshine? Smell some fresh-cut grass? Ahhhh...
Thanks, Matt. Consider yourself Love-Listed and forever on the field.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
If this leaves you wanting more George, check out his Seven Dirty Words . Absolutely classic.