Off-Season Action We'd Love To See

As the Hot-Stove continues and Sweet Scott Bora$ is taking his time getting his players settled, the Ladies began to imagine hot-stove action in an alternate universe. Where stats like OPS, WHIP, BA and ERA take a back seat to those of HotA (hotness average), BOS (balls of steel) and CHa (clubhouse antics), not to mention the all-important GOS (gossip factor). Following are some moves the Ladies are considering to improve our team and better our chances to win the coveted World Series of Gangstas solid gold phallic-symbol trophy:

1. Trade Brian Schneider to the Twins for Joe Mauer. This is a no-brainer. Joe's HotA is head and shoulders above Schneider's (right, stars?). We love Brian; he is a good person, friend of David Wright, devoted family man etc., but this is a business, sorry; you got to go. While Brian's participation in last year's "OMG" David and Molly show helped the team's GOS, we can't help but feel that Joe's single status will propel the team's GOS to new heights.
We don't see the Twins having a problem with this; they gave us Johan Santana last year for assorted spare parts and a boom-box for the clubhouse.

2. Purchase Bronson Arroyo's contract from the Cincinnati Reds. His GOS is so high he rates his own thread on OTDL, an honor only Jeter, DWright and a few others have warranted. He plays in a rock band, loves his cougars and tends to have foot-in-mouth disease. His influence on our young, still-getting-the-hang-of-this-gangsta-thing pitchers (Big Pelf, John Maine) will be worth paying him Bora$ money. Put this boy in New York and watch him take over.

3. Trade Jose Feliciano to the NY Rangers for goalie Henrik Lundqvist. The Ladies must give credit to Shimmy over at LLR for this find. King Henrik has a through-the-roof HotA and proven BOS (standing in front of a net while five NHL players fly at you and try to take out your teeth with a puck moving at 100+ per hour gives you a BOS of 1.000). He can back up Joe Mauer at catcher and occasionally provide some good CHa by telling Omar his fly is undone in Swedish. Plus anyone who will fuck with Sean Avery is righteous, in our book.
The Rangers win from this deal also: imagine the on-ice confusion when Jose starts screaming at their opponents in Spanish.

Untouchables:

The left side of the infield. While across town, the Yankees have the amazing duo of Derek Jeter and A-Rod, undisputed MLB leaders in GOS; contenders in HotA (although A-Rod's poor showing in BOS is an issue), our beloved Mets have the young David Wright and Jose Reyes, both of whom are coming into their own in HotA and GOS. Even the CHa numbers from last year have improved.

Other moves are being considered, and will be revealed as they occur.